||[Jul. 29th, 2008|11:25 am]
feminist fitness will kick its own ass, thank you
This one time (ok, last night) I went running and I didn't want to die. Weird! No, it really is. The last time I tried running as exercise in Denver, and every time before that, I felt really ill/ tired/ dizzy/ in pain. But I suspect that is because I was doing too much, too soon, not giving my body time to adjust to my heart pumping faster at a higher altitude. It was also before I'd been dancing two hours a week for two years. Oh, and last night I was running in 60 second intervals with 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes, the first step in the first week of the Couch to 5K program. |
It wasn't a total breeze, but it wasn't too hard, either. And oddly enough, that's a big confidence boost for me, to start a program and feel like maybe I can skip a step, though I won't. I am SO self-conscious about how I look and feel when I exercise, and I'm sure I'll deconstruct this a lot as time goes on. I think one of the reasons I like dance so much is that the whole point at the end of the day is to remain in control of what your body is doing, to keep your work off your face, to make it look effortless. Well, for me, running and walking take effort, and I'm going to have to get over the fact that a stranger might notice that I am sweating and breathing heavily and rocking my sweet pedometer and stopwatch. Running in my neighborhood helps. I think that running away from my neighborhood might help more.
I'm not telling my dad that I'm doing this because he'll want to take me out to buy running shoes and fancy pants and ask me about it every damn time he sees me and ask me if I want to start training for the mini marathon.
I'm not telling Ed because he teased me about my gait the one time he saw me running (after a frisbee or something), not knowing how sensitive I was about it, and even though I told him to back off, it was so long ago that he probably won't remember that it's an off-limits teasing subject and I don't want to try to explain to someone who's never been an overweight, gawky girl trying to play sports even though she doesn't want to and sucks at them anyway why it's so painful to have someone criticize the way my body works and how my brain responds to it.
I know I said I wanted a partner, but the longer I think about it, I really don't.
I'm doing this for me and the second it starts feeling otherwise, then it's time to try something else.